Tu Justificas Mi Existencia

Anonymous asked: It scares me. If someone like you can't do it, how can I? :(

First of all, do what? :( But, honestly, I’m not you. If I can’t do it, maybe you have something that I don’t have. Maybe you can do it. No harm in trying, I guess?

Anonymous asked: I need advice on parents and relationships from you. Do you tell your parents about relationships or is it okay for them not to know? :((

I think it’s okay for them not to know, but you have to take good care of yourself. Let your friends look out for you too. 

This Is Where I Dispute Everything I’ve Ever Written Before

All they ever tell you about college is to get the good marks.

Every honourable person in Barong Tagalog who stayed at the stage of your freshman orientation will say the same thing. Aim high. Dream big. Lead. Improve. Develop. Join organizations. Empower yourself. Be a Filipino. Be the best. Summa cum laude. Student council president.

Sound familiar?

Actually, it’s not even just college. It’s what people will always tell you from prep to retirement. It’s what they always think is worth saying.

But today, I’ve had an epiphany: they’re not always true. They’re important, yes. But other things are more important.

I’m sure I come off as a person who really listens and digests those kinds of mantras. If you’ve been my friend on Facebook for a long time, you’d see me use those exact same words. I’ve used them in reference to a non-profit education organization I work with, KRIS Library. I’ve used them in reference with school. I’ve used them in reference with little bits and pieces of writing that I believe are relevant to all of us. But you won’t find any of those words here.

To be honest, I’m tired.

In high school, I was everywhere! I got High Honors. I was part of the Student Council. I even played in a football club. One time, I really pushed myself, so I got sent to India for a world youth summit.

In college, it was the same thing. And even better. I actively led KRIS Library. I kept my grades really high. I joined a busy club. I even worked for my dad’s firm on some days. Right now, this summer, I’m pushing myself again—this time, to raise enough money to send 100 poor children from Zamboanga and Manila to school.   

Whew.

There are really good days when I literally get goosebumps just taking in the challenge, the discovery, the excitement of everything I do. But there are really bad days when I feel like a 50-year old in a 17-year old body.

Today, unfortunately, was the latter. I was talking to my boyfriend, Noel, but I wasn’t really talking. I barely even listened. I just muttered several irrelevant things to keep up a semblance of conversation. But he saw right through me. Under a bright sunny day with a wonderful person, my head was buzzing about other thoughts, other worries. And the buzzing couldn’t stop. I snapped. And for around twenty minutes or so, both of us were just silent.

This had happened to us so many times already.

Sometimes, my mom would ask me how I am, and I would be too tired to answer.

One time, I asked my sister, “Why don’t we ever go out?” She said, “Ate, you’re always busy kasi.”

Sometimes, my friends talk to me and ask me out. But I’d find reasons to turn them down.

Some days after school, I just look at my baby brother playing with his yaya. I want with all my heart to just go to him, but I tell myself I have to finish the “important things” first.

My favourite, favourite aunt—my second mother—I haven’t texted her in months.

And the worst? My dad and I have the same workload. As a result, I don’t remember the last time we had a conversation that wasn’t about work.

KRIS Library, the kids I serve, my studies, my role as a leader in whatever I have to do—these things are very important to me. But I have ignored largely everything else. Everyone else.

And now’s the time to tell myself how stupid I’ve been.

How could you keep passions truly burning when you can’t even be passionate about the people who love you? How can you make the world a better place when you can’t even make other people feel better with you around?

All they ever tell you in life is to get the best. Biggest house. Hottest car. Highest grade. Loftiest ambitions. But what they don’t tell you is that the best things in life aren’t things.

Yesterday, I wanted to change the world. But, today, I feel like I just want to curl up in bed again with my parents and my sister and my little brother.

The world can always wait.